Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize