Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
