my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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