I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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