Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
