I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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