That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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