Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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