I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
