Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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