my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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