I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
