Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
