I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
