why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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