You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If that was your dad, he is hot
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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