I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
