I'm so fucking centered right now
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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