I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
