I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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