My room smells like vodka and shame
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
