mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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