fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
