MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I could make wine with my vomit
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize