I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
