got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
