I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
