I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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