guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
