Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
