Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
