If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
a search helicopter?!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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