I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
