You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
