I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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