I will die if light touches me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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