Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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