So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
