Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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