Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
