Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
