When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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