im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
