Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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