The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
