threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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