They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
