you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
