yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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