it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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