My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
