OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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