***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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