you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
