Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
