I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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