It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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